When you think you know, look closer and listen to understand
As 2024 marches forward a lot has happened, much of which has done little to dispel the sense of apprehension many of us felt at the top of the year. I made a “to do” list for the year to pray, learn, and encourage. I’m trying to take steps to pray for a peaceful purpose before I act, to learn more and seek to understand, and to encourage everyone I meet. Those aren’t the kind of things you can check off the list once and be done, so let’s say I’m working on them.
Look Closer
John Paul Lederauch, author of the book A Pocket Guide for Facing Down a Civil War, has traveled to some of the world’s most dangerous places in his work of international peacebuilding. Expressing his views in a recent editorial he describes a group of adversaries in Columbia who had little in common other than their mutual desire to see the violence around them come to an end. Lederauch offers five recommendations to increase peaceful connections when tensions are high. All of them are good, and, by my way of thinking, two of them should be required equipment in every relationship’s toolkit. 1. Re-humanize your adversary. 2. Stay curious about your adversary’s perspective and experience.
Can you visualize how things would change if all of us took a breath before we scoffed, argued or blamed and instead, wondered how our adversary’s convictions were shaped by their longings, desires and fears? We seldom do this. Instead, we use a broad brush to paint either all Republicans or all Democrats as dangerous and unpatriotic. We look through the single lens of our experience when a news story goes viral and, no matter the situation, take an immediate position of blame or of sympathy toward those involved. Too often we focus on a single characteristic and form an incomplete perspective of another.
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, a Nigerian author, explains in her TED talk “The Danger of a Single Story,” that identifying anyone by a single criterion leads to inaccurate assumptions. She illustrates her point with the story of a young boy hired by Adichie’s family to do household chores. She recalls her perspective of him as simply a poor boy from a poor family. When Adichie later visited the young man’s village, she found herself surprised to see the elegant handwork on display in his home. She had assumed that the boy and his family lacked creativity and artistic interests because they lacked wealth. Adichie had constructed a single story of poverty that made it impossible to truly know the creative young man.
Listen to Understand
Living Faith Fully moves beyond quick judgments to consider how Jesus responded to the disparate people he encountered. From Matthew the tax collector, lepers, Roman officers, Samaritans, and little children, he looked past social stereotypes to understand their needs and to reveal his compassion. He took time to see each person and he paused to truly connect. When Jesus spoke to a woman drawing water from a well in Samaria he didn’t see a Samaritan, but a conversation partner with a story to tell. When Jesus walked near a blind man begging for mercy, he silenced the rebukes of those around him and asked the man, “What do you want me to do for you?”
In his work to build peace out of hostility, Lederach has learned that:
We pull back from relationships where even a hint of political difference exists. We consider who said something and whom they associate with to judge the merit of what they said. We talk a lot about those we don’t like. We rarely talk with them. To feel safer, we only engage with people who agree with us. (emphasis in the original)
I’m not sure about everyone else, but I know that I have learned to maintain silence on troublesome issues with those that I know disagree with me. And yes, as Lederach says, I do this to feel safe. I want to maintain connections with others and fear that if I disagree with them, relationships that are important to me will be severed. Perhaps my fears are well founded. But do we really have to live this way? As we withdraw into safe clusters of the likeminded, we may keep momentary peace, but we do not build a robust and thriving community.
Come Together
I long for a place where I, and all of us, would find the humanizing respect to allow everyone to speak with compassion about our deepest convictions. Maybe as you read that, you thought (as I did when I wrote it) that this would be great if only the other guy would let it happen. But that “first thought” isn’t good enough. The thought is not complete until I ask myself whether I would allow “the other guy” to share their conviction without me doing the arguing, blaming or judging? When two people choose to engage in humanizing conversation despite their differences, even when those differences are based on substantive concerns, doors to understanding and transformation can begin to open.
The first item on my 2024 “to do” list is to pray that I would be an instrument of peace. Lord, help me learn to listen and to encourage.