Have you ever found yourself baffled by someone else’s behavior? Of course. All of us have felt the frustration that comes when another’s actions run contrary to anything we would ever do. There may be many reasons for their choices, but our baffled feeling, too often comes from a lack of self-awareness.

When we seek to know ourselves and others well, we recognize that personality, priorities, and preferences won’t always be the same. Faith, fully lived, invites us to know and be known for the unique gifts and qualities we add to our life together.

Without Self Awareness I Expect Others to Act Like Me

I didn’t begin my professional and ministry roles with this kind of awareness. In my early career, my husband served as pastor of a small congregation. After the demands of a busy Sunday, we often took a Monday to rest and refocus. We liked to escape to a nearby state park with hiking trails, stately rock formations, and tucked away picnic shelters.

So it was, that I found myself on one such Monday speaking a monolog to my introverted husband. I felt an inarticulate anxiety. All these years later, I can’t remember what led to my unhappiness, or what actions I thought were needed to overcome the obstacles to….  That’s just it, I can’t remember what had happened or how I hoped to resolve the concern. The details have faded, but I can still feel the stress and isolation.

It would be a few more years on my leadership pathway before I would have the tools to describe my struggle. At the time, it seemed to me that my husband disengaged and remained detached from my needs. The more I examined the problem, the less he joined the analysis. Without awareness of my need to find harmony by analysis and his need to find perspective in solitude, I simply assumed that he didn’t care.

Self Awareness Clarifies Differences

I wish I could time travel to one of those Mondays. I’d listen carefully to my younger self and ask a couple of clarifying questions. I’d invite her to consider her heartfelt desire for agreement and understanding as a gift. A chance to enhance relationships and build real peace.

And I would encourage her to describe her husband’s silence without quick judgment, considering his response from a position of curiosity. I’d wonder aloud what his behavior told about his priorities, needs and the ways he processes anxiety.

Perhaps a time machine could have moved me more quickly along a pathway toward greater self-awareness and empathy. My actual journey was less dramatic. Thanks to friends, spiritual guides, and treasured books, I began to see that my need to dive into interpersonal conflict with analysis and problem solving ran contrary to my husband’s preference to separate from a situation before tackling it head on. What began as a point of stress between us, became a corrective balance as we began to know ourselves and each other better.

Differences – A Solid Foundation for Life in Community

So, how can the differences between us and others strengthen relationships? If we recognize that our personality traits, experiences, temperament and so much more are unique to each of us, the desire to mold others into my image gives way to the rich harmonies and rhythms of life in community.

Living Faith*Fully affirms my worth and invites me to bring my best to those that I love and serve. It encourages me to look at my neighbors with curiosity, finding the treasure that God has placed in each one.